


We're The Joneses

by faliceplease



Category: Riverdale (TV 2017)
Genre: AU, Drug Smuggling, F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-06-28
Updated: 2018-07-21
Packaged: 2019-05-29 18:37:09
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 5,437
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15079208
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/faliceplease/pseuds/faliceplease
Summary: Based on the magnificent film 'We're The Millers'xxxThe plan was simple. FP had thought it over in his mind a dozen times. How hard could it be to pull off? He laid back against his pillows and stared up at the ceiling, replaying the plan over and over in his mind.Get the drugs.Transport the drugs.Hand the drugs over.It was simple.





	1. Intro

**Author's Note:**

> This will be roughly based upon the concept of the movie, but it will not be a copy. There will be Falice and Bughead in the future, so get ready for that. 
> 
> None of the four main characters are related in this AU story. 
> 
> Let me know if you want me to continue.

During the summer, Sunnyside trailer park was crawling with aimless individuals who had nowhere else to be. FP Jones was no exception. He didn't have a steady income or a social calendar to keep up with. He just went back and forth between his trailer and the Whyte Wyrm. It was just after sundown when he wandered into the trailer park with a carton of beer tucked under one arm, while he jiggled his keys in his opposite hand. He was minding his own business like he usually did, when the sound of a commotion drifted his attention elsewhere. He set the beer down on his front doorstep and wandered behind one of the neighbouring trailers. 

Betty Cooper was a scrappy little thing. FP barely knew her other than seeing her loitering around the park every now and then. It was a known fact that the homeless looking girl did, in fact, have a home on the Northside, she just preferred not to reside there. FP couldn't blame the girl for that. It made him feel stuffy just thinking about the kind of people who lived on that side of town. 

"Hey Shortstack!" FP called out when he saw what was going on with the girl. A group of young hoodlums each held onto some of Betty's personal belongings. There was no way she could keep up with three of them as they held her things above their heads and moved around taunting her. 

The boys turned at the sound of FP's voice. FP walked closer to the scene, giving Betty the once over as if checking to see if she had been hurt. He didn't particularly want to be involved in this, but he knew that it would be a hell of a lot more peaceful for him to drink alone if this little party got shut down. 

"Nobody invited you here, old man." One of the boys retorted as he held Betty's phone up over his head. 

FP snorted. "Oh is that the best you can come up with? Stop being a dick head and give the girl her shit back." He said in annoyance. He didn't really care what they did, but this was just ruining his night. Betty could probably take care of herself, but he didn't think she should have to. 

Betty grabbed her backpack from one of the boys when FP caught him off-guard. She yanked it from him until his grip loosened enough for her to take it. She slung it over her shoulder before leaning up to grab her phone. "Fuck you." She hissed at the boy holding onto her phone. 

FP chuckled because he hadn't done anything other than talking to them and they were already folding. "Give the girl her phone back and hop along, go pick on someone your own size." He commented as the taller boy with the phone dropped his hand and shoved Betty's phone against her chest aggressively. 

The three boys stalked off into the darkness, muttering promises to get FP back for what he did to them. FP rolled his eyes. He barely said or did anything to anybody. He rarely did. He watched them for a moment before running his fingers through his shaggy unwashed hair. "No need to thank me." He said to the girl. 

Betty rolled her eyes. "Thank you? You didn't do anything other than reaffirm the fact that I need a big strong man to come to my rescue." She snapped, eyes giving him the once over for a second, "or at least someone imitating one." she scoffed, folding her arms over her chest. 

"Wow, okay. Next time I will just keep on walking, leave you to it wonder woman." He said gruffly and turned on his heel to leave. He really hoped his beers hadn't been stolen because of this. She'd owe him a six-pack. 

Betty laughed bitterly. "You think you're some kind of hero?" She called out after him. He didn't turn back or acknowledge her again. He stalked off to his trailer, picked up his beers and closed the door behind himself. 

He jumped half a foot in the air after he switched the light on and realised he wasn't alone. "Fuck! Penny! Who let you in here?" He questioned. He walked through to set his drinks down on the kitchen table, opposite where she was standing. 

"You owe me, remember?" She asked with a smirk. 

xxx

It was the following morning when Jughead sat outside the laundry room with his laptop sitting atop of his knees, headphones covering his ears. He didn't notice FP walking over to where he was sitting. FP's boot accidentally knocked the kid's sneaker as he tried to walk past him. The laptop nearly lost balance off of the kid's knee because of it, and Jughead looked up to see who had walked into him. "Mr Jones! Have you thought about my offer?" He asked him, hoping that FP would be interviewed by him for a story he was writing. 

FP looked at him with a confused expression. He had no idea what the hell the boy was talking about. "Your offer?" He repeated, smiling as he tried to pretend that he knew what was going on. "Sure kid, I've thought about it. Still don't know my answer, sorry." He said in a fake regretful tone. 

Jughead nodded his head, face falling in disappointment. He closed his laptop and stood up. "I mean it doesn't have to take long, just a few questions. I could ask them casually right now as you do your laundry." Jughead offered. 

FP frowned for a second because it still didn't sound very familiar. He was probably drunk or high, maybe both, when the kid asked him about this. "Sure, kid." He shrugged before he walked inside and headed over to one of the machines. He unloaded one of them and dropped all of the wet clothes onto the floor. 

Jughead watched his actions but didn't condemn him for it. He opened his laptop and set it down on one of the other machines. FP loaded up his washer and closed the lid. He fiddled with the buttons and switches until it started humming. 

"Okay, the first question," Jughead said timidly. "How did you become a drug dealer?" He asked, looking up at FP as he waited for a response.

"I'm not, I'm not a drug dealer," FP told him as he placed his hand on his own chest as if he were offended by that very notion. 

"Sorry, I thought- I mean I've seen you dealing.." Jughead told him, feeling embarrassed that he had gotten it wrong. The very concept for his character was based entirely on the idea of FP being a drug dealer. 

"Well, no. I mean I have dealt before." FP backtracked with a nod. "It's just not my occupation. Okay?" 

Jughead nodded his head and gave him a small smile. "So, how did you get into it?" He asked expectantly. 

FP snorted. "Mind your own business." He told him. 

Jughead let out a low whistle. This wasn't going the way he had envisioned it to. 

FP let out a sigh and for whatever unknown reason he felt like taking pity on the kid. He turned back around and folded his arms over his chest. "It all started when I met this woman in a bar..." He said before diving into the whole Penny situation, including the threats she had made the night before. He owed her big time, apparently. He just didn't know if risking his life was worth it. He would die either way, better at the hands of a blonde druglord than in a Mexican prison going down for twenty to life. 

That was a lot to process for Jughead. He went to write some of it down but FP stopped him. "Whoa, whoa, no. You're not using my life for your fan fiction." He told him, holding onto the boy's arm. 

Jughead looked at him with a frown. This entire exchange had been so weird to him. First, the man seemed confused by this entire interview and now after actually sharing something he was taking it back. 

"Are you fucking kidding me?" A woman exclaimed as she walked into the laundry room with an empty basket. "You put all of my shit on the ground, you piece of shit." She growled at FP in particular. 

FP placed his hands up in defence. "It was like that when I got here." He lied to her, feigning his innocence. 

Alice rolled her eyes and went to pick up all of her clothes. Most of which needed to be rewashed because of what FP had done to her load. "I'm sure you had nothing to do with it." She said sarcastically as she furiously shoved each and every item of clothing she owned, into her washing basket. She started muttering curses and unkind remarks about the man who was standing there lying his ass off. She couldn't stand him, and this only gave her more reasons to dislike him. 

FP looked across at Jughead and pressed a finger to his lips as if asking for his silence on the matter. "Come on Alice, it's not like you have that much material to wash anyway." He pointed out. "I mean it's not like you have to iron a uniform or anything, just run your work panties under the shower, they'll be good as new by morning." 

Alice's jaw stiffened at his words, she looked across at Jughead who would be a witness if she did anything illegal. She didn't lay a finger on the man, instead, she aggressively picked up her laundry basket, flashing him dirty looks in the process. She made it to the door before turning back to have her say. "You're going to die all alone in that flee ridden trailer of yours after drowning in your own puke. You don't get to lecture me on how I live my life." She told him before she went off in a huff. 

FP walked to the door and stood pressed against the doorframe. He watched his stripper neighbour try to walk away as fast as she could on the dirt. It made him laugh a little to himself. She was a crazy bitch, but she was a hot one. 

"Hey kid, you want to go and get a burger?" He asked when he turned to go back inside. 

xxx

 

Jughead was more than thrilled about sitting in the diner eating a burger with the one person who actually gave him the time of day. His mother was never around, he didn't know who his father was and it wasn't like he had any friends. FP was all he had, and he hardly even had that. The two talked some more about FP's Penny dilemma until FP announced he had to go. The pair both slid out of the booth and headed out of the building together. 

"Oh great, tourists. Nobody should ever want to spend vacation time in Riverdale, even just to pass through." He commented in disgust after looking across at the motorhome which was parked out front of Pop's. He shrugged it off though and started walking in the other direction. 

"FP?" Jughead called after him. When the man didn't turn around he rushed to keep up with him instead. When he caught FP he slowed down and walked next to him. "The motorhome, you could drive it through the border, like many other families do on vacation." He pointed out. 

FP turned toward the kid as he thought it over. "Yeah other families do that, but here's the thing kid, in case you haven't noticed I'm not a fucking family. I work alone, by choice." 

Jughead nodded his head and looked down at the ground in front of them. "I mean you don't have to work alone. I could go with you, father-son bonding trip." He suggested. 

"Good one." FP laughed, thinking he was joking. 

Jughead frowned at him. "I'm serious. If you want to be inconspicuous you need to blend in. A single guy like you in an RV, you'll look like Walter White, but with a family, nobody would think twice." 

FP nodded his head. "Yeah, well where am I going to get one of those?"


	2. The Family Plan

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this chapter is a little short. Will have longer updates in the future. x

"Never gonna happen," Alice said firmly as she tried to dodge FP outside of her trailer. She flicked ash from her cigarette and pressed her heel into the dirt. 

"Ten grand." FP offered her with a hopeful smile. 

"Nope." She shook her head and let out a bitter chuckle. There was no way in hell that she would risk her life for ten thousand dollars. Smuggling drugs into the country wasn't something she had ever desired to achieve in her life. She didn't even like FP enough to pretend to consider the offer. 

He grimaced at her rejection and ran his hand over his hair as he tried to think of another incentive. 

"Twenty."  
"No."  
"Thirty."  
"No."

Shit. He didn't want to go higher than that. He looked at her with pleading eyes before he let out an incredulous sigh. "Fifty is my final offer." He told her. 

Alice didn't expect him to go higher than thirty, she would have done it for twenty, just her pride was in the way. She wanted an excuse to stop stripping, even for just a short while. She pursed her lips and took another drag from her cigarette, eyes remaining on his for a moment. She blew out a puff of smoke and dropped her smoking arm to her side. "Fifty and you promise to stop checking out my ass every time you think I don't know it." She said, raising her eyebrows. 

He let out a laugh and nodded his head. "I love you." He told her in disbelief. This might actually work. He already had a kid and a wife, that was family enough for this little scheme. Jughead's little plan might actually work out. 

Alice rolled her eyes and snuffed out her cigarette. "Don't go saying shit like that." She told him as she turned to walk up her front steps. 

FP didn't watch her ass, he was sure it didn't count as a promise because he never verbally agreed to it, but he didn't do it either way. He walked across the trailer park to his own trailer where Jughead was sitting down waiting for him. 

"I'm not coming with you," Jughead told FP as he approached the younger male. 

"What?" FP asked him in shock. That put a dent into all of his plans. None of this could happen without a kid. He had to try and look wholesome, somehow and without a kid with him and Alice, he just looked like a sad middle-aged man who thought motorhomes were a romantic vacation idea. "You can't bail on me now, what the fuck man? It was your idea." 

Jughead shrugged his shoulders. "I can't go." He told him as he pushed himself up off of the step. 

"Is this about your mom? Because I can talk to her." He wouldn't talk to Jughead's mom, that would be awkward as hell and what would he say? Hey sorry, but you should let your son come with me to smuggle drugs? That was never going to happen. 

Jughead frowned and shook his head. "No." He said quietly. He didn't have a reason other than the fact that this was incredibly stupid, and he shouldn't have been encouraging FP to do such an idiotic thing. He could go to prison, or worse. He didn't have an alternate plan for him but he hoped that there was something else he could do to pay his debt to Penny, somehow. 

"Come on kid, don't jerk me around. I can't do this without having a kid involved." He said with a sigh. FP ran his hand over his face in frustration, his mind was desperately searching for a new idea. He needed to convince Jughead to get on board. "Look, I'll pay you, you can have a cut of the money I get from doing this. How much do you want? A couple grand?" He was trying to make sure that he wasn't promising away too much money, he already oversold on Alice's cut. 

Jughead shook his head again. "I don't need your money." Well technically money wasn't going to hurt, but this was bigger than money, he could lose his freedom, his life. 

"Fine, whatever. Screw this." FP said in annoyance. He walked away from Jughead just to clear his head a bit. His plan, or Jughead's really, was going so well until the kid decided to just pull the rug out from under him. They only had a few more days to get this all sorted, he couldn't keep having people change their minds all the time. 

Betty played with her lighter as she stood pressed against one of the trailers. She saw FP walking and reached down to grab her backpack from next to her feet. She really didn't want to be around the asshole who went around acting like she needed saving all the time. She wasn't quick enough in darting away from him though, he called out her name and started walking deliberately in her direction. 

"What do you want?" She snapped, hand wrapping around the strap of her back as it slung over her shoulders. 

FP let out a short laugh and shook his head. He knew she was going to be difficult but for once he was choosing to find it amusing. "How'd you like to earn some money?" He asked her, smiling at the young girl. 

Betty's eyes narrowed. "What, you're a pervert now?" She asked him. Her face turned to one of disgust as she assumed the worst of his offer. 

"Pervert?" FP asked in confusion. "What? No! Ugh, how old are you, like twelve?" He questioned, finding it humiliating that she'd automatically assume that he'd want to sleep with her. He had no intention of even entertaining that idea. 

"I'm 18." She scoffed, rolling her eyes at him over his comment. 

"Good. Well, I don't want to sleep with you, paid or otherwise." He clarified as he took a step away from her to reinforce that fact. "I have this job, a drug thing. I need someone to pretend to be my child." He started, keeping an eye on her as he spoke because he wanted to see if he had her interest before he went into further details. "Alice already agreed to be my fake wife, you know Alice right? The stripper who lives across there." He pointed over in the general direction of Alice's trailer. 

Betty nodded her head. She knew of her, hadn't spoken to the woman, but she'd always wanted to. "Alice is doing this?" She asked curiously, eyes focusing on FP's now that he had mentioned the blonde. 

"Yeah, Alice. You could pass as her daughter no problem." 

Betty nodded her head and ran her fingers through her messy hair. "Okay, I'm in." She told him finally. 

"Me too," Jughead said from behind FP. 

FP turned toward the boy. He let out a sigh because this wasn't exactly what he had in mind. He didn't want to pay three people, but there he was with two kids and a wife. Things were about to get fucking real.


	3. Kiss Cam

Alice stood in the corner of FP's trailer with her arms folded over her chest. Her eyes were firmly planted on FP who stood to her left, while the two teens were sitting on the couch opposite them. "I am not cutting my hair." She repeated, eyebrows raising in disapproval. 

FP shrugged his shoulders. "Fine, but clean yourself up. You look like a homeless prostitute, and nobody is going to believe we're a wholesome family if you don't change a thing or two." He [aused and looked over at the kids. "Same goes for all of us." He told them. 

Betty shrugged nonchalantly and glanced over at Jughead. He wasn't being very talkative, but neither was she really. This whole thing was a lot to take in. FP had explained their mission backwards and forwards just making sure they all understood the plan. They needed to be very careful, more careful than any of them had ever been in their lives. 

A light tapping at the door made FP walk out of the room. When he wandered back, a young girl with brightly coloured hair, bag slung over her shoulder offered the three of them a small smile. "This is Toni, she's gonna help with the hair situation," FP explained. 

Toni waved her hand in the air and set her bag down. "So, who's going first?" She asked as she jostled the zipper open. 

xxx

FP ran his fingers through his freshly styled hair. He stared at himself in the handheld mirror for a moment before he handed it back to Toni. "I can't remember the last time I cleaned up like this." He admitted with a chuckle. His eyes darted across to Alice who wasn't scowling at him for once. Her own hair had been tidied up, she still looked pretty much the same, just neater, nicer even. He smiled at her for half a second before both he and the blonde looked away from each other. 

Betty was last. She sat down and gave a list of things she didn't want Toni to do to her hair. Toni glanced over at the two adults who were both wearing near identical smirks, as though they were proud parents. 

xxx

"Why are we here?" Betty asked uncomfortably as the four newly dubbed Joneses stood in the street on the Northside. Jughead shoved his hands into his pockets as he followed FP up onto the driveway of one of the houses.

"The owners are out of town." FP explained as they walked up to the side gate. He played with the gate until it was opened, he held it out so the other three could walk in. 

"Doesn't explain why we're here." Betty told him as she walked into the back garden. 

"We're here to take photos." Alice answered when FP took his time locking up again. 

"We want to look like the white picket fence family, we gotta have some kind of evidence that that is exactly what we are." FP continued. He placed a hand on Alice's back for a moment before brushing past her to get to the back door. 

Jughead took his backpack from his shoulders and dropped it to the ground at his feet. "Shouldn't we do this in the daytime?" He questioned, watching as FP picked the lock so effortlessly. 

"We'd be seen if we did that." FP shrugged. "We don't need that many photos. It'll be fine, kid." He said as he opened the door. Once again he stepped aside and let the others walk through first. 

Betty hesitated before walking in. She gave FP an uneasy look as she paused to kick off her shoes. This whole situation made her feel uneasy. Being in this neighbourhood made her feel anything but safe which was ironic considering the fact that everyone in town made the Northside seem like the safest part of the neighbourhood. She followed after Alice who was heading up the staircase. "I think I go to school with that kid." She said with an outstretched arm. She was pointing toward a family portrait at the top of the staircase. Alice watched where she was pointing and nodded her head. 

"I went to school with his parents." She told her before walking to the top of the stairs and taking a left. She was curious to see how the other half lived. Her whole life consisted of her living on the wrong side of the tracks. She always wanted to be more than what she was growing up, but that never seemed to eventuate. So far she had become every stereotype she had heard growing up. She still lived in the same trailer park she grew up in, never amounted to anything more than her parents had, it was a never-ending cycle. She hated to think what this scheme would make her now, other than a whole lot richer. 

Betty followed Alice into one of the bedrooms. She wrapped her arms around herself as she stood in the doorway, watching as the older woman took a seat on the king-sized bed. "Why don't they have a dog? I thought rich people liked dogs." Alice commented. 

Betty shrugged her shoulders. "Is that what you want to spend your drug money on?" She asked in a small amused tone. Betty never had a dog. Her dad always said they were dirty and more trouble than it was worth. She always wanted one though. 

Alice laughed and laid out across the mattress. "I could fall asleep right about now. This bed is softer than anything I've ever had under my back." 

"Good to know." Betty chuckled. She wandered through to the walk-in closet. It was much like the one she grew up with. Clothes hung on every inch of the wall, she ran her fingers across the fabric until she made it to the other side of the room. 

"What are you two doing?" FP asked as he walked into the master bedroom. They weren't there to have a good time. They were there to take believable family photos and the two girls sneaking off to snoop for no apparent reason wasn't getting the job done. 

Alice sighed and stood up. "You bring us into a big fancy house and expect us to not snoop around?" She asked him in disbelief. 

Betty walked to the entrance of the closet just as Alice walked inside and took a jacket off one of the hangers. The oldest of the two women slipped her arms into the sleeves and flicked her hair out so it was no longer beneath the collar. "How do I look?" She asked before reaching across to the cabinet to pick up a broach to complete her new northside look. 

"You don't look like you, it's perfect- now come on..." FP tried to hurry the pair along. 

Alice gave Betty a look before she rolled her eyes. "Alright, we're coming." She scoffed before moving past him to get out of the bedroom completely. 

xxx

Jughead had set up the camera downstairs by the time the others had walked back down the staircase. FP walked through and sat down on the sofa in front of the camera. "So is this how we're doing it? Family portrait?" He asked the young boy. 

Jughead nodded his head. "I thought we'd get at least one posed shot, make it seem like some type of Christmas card situation. That's what rich people do, right?" He asked, shrugging his shoulders because his point of reference was limited to fiction. 

Betty rolled her eyes and moved to sit down on the furniture. She left wide spaces on either side of herself, one for Alice, the other side for Jughead. Alice sat down between Betty and FP and fixed herself up so she was camera ready. "We going to be here long? I have people to see, places to be." She said to FP as she turned to look at him. 

FP rest his arm above her shoulders along the top of the sofa. "Like I already told you, we're in and outta here as quick as we can be." He said to her. This whole thing was meant to be a stealth mission. He didn't want to get caught breaking and entering any more than the rest of them did. He settled in closer to Alice to make the picture look cosier. Jughead set the timer on the camera and walked across to sit down in the spare place beside Betty. 

"Smile." Alice instructed, wanting to get this done properly the first time around. All four of them put on their best happy faces for the camera. It snapped a couple of shots of the four of them smiling before Jughead went to check on the quality of the pictures. 

"How about a couple of just you two, mom and dad.." He suggested after deeming the group shots as decent. FP stood up and walked over to the camera to check on them himself. 

"We'll take a couple of different ones real quick and then we have to go." He told Jughead as the young boy showed him the photos they'd already taken. "Do a couple of the two girls, then we'll get one of just you and Betty." He told Jughead quietly. 

Jughead did his best to instruct the women to pose. It was relatively painless getting through those photos, and the same went for getting Jughead and Betty to pose as siblings together. FP finished manually taking the shots of the teens before he walked over to sit down with Alice. This was clearly the hardest pictures of the night, he wasn't sure how to act like he was in love with a woman he spent most of his time bickering with, but Alice was in the same boat he felt like. 

The blonde scooted closer to FP and wrapped one arm around his shoulders. She turned his face with her other hand so he was looking at her, she smiled at him, putting on an act for the camera. "Come on, at least act like you don't want to kill me in my sleep." She told him with an eye roll. 

FP let out a laugh at that, which was caught on film. 

Betty and Jughead huddled behind the camera screen and watched as a few more snapshots came through from the timer. The newly fake married couple both seemed to relax as each photograph was taken. Alice scooted even closer once Jughead announced it was the last take on the timer. She pressed her lips firmly against FP's and closed her eyes. She didn't expect him to actually kiss her. It was mostly her trying to play up for the camera, but when his lips started to move against hers she kissed him back just as gently until the flash went off and she started to break away. 

"I guess nobody is going to have trouble believing you're married now." Betty said with a laugh. "The way you fight like cats and dogs, and smooch up at the drop of a hat." She said as she glanced across at the adults.

Alice rolled her eyes. "Oh like you've never kissed someone for a photo before." She retorted. Alice stood up and walked back behind the camera to see what the photos had turned out like. Jughead happily showed them all off to her one by one. 

"Hey, FP. I thought you said the owners were out of town?" Betty said as she stood by the window, watching as a car started pulling up on the driveway. She had heard it coming down the street, headlights coming through the window as she had moved to take a look. 

"Shit." FP gasped out. He went to pick up Jughead's bag, throwing it at the boy with the instruction to pack up everything he could.

Alice went to put her shoes on before she followed FP toward the back door. All four of them scampered off into the darkness through the backyard as the sound of the garage door opening grew louder and louder as they hid beside the house. "Alice, did you turn off the light upstairs?" FP whispered into the night air. 

The blonde poked her head around the wall to look up at the window of the master bedroom. The light was shining out through the sheer curtains. She let out a curse and closed her eyes. "Maybe they'll think they left it on." She said weakly. 

FP groaned and walked up to the gate. The car had driven into the garage by then, and he knew they had to make a run for it sooner rather than later. Alice was still wearing the homeowner's clothing. He thought for sure that they wouldn't be home for an extra day, but then again math had never been his strong suit. He pushed open the gate as soon as he saw the garage door had gone down. "Now, whatever you do, don't stop running." He whispered to the three of them standing behind him, waiting for a signal.


End file.
